I am enough.

As a preface to this post:

a) Change=good. Goals= good. I have many. They are important to have.
b) I did not partake in my regular night time activity, and in fact, have only done so once since my return to BC

I find the suffix "est" to be problematic, or any superlative for that matter. It hit me tonight that I don't have to be "est" at anything, and maybe I will never be "est" at anything, and thats really really OK. I just don't have to be the smartest, the prettiest, or the most successful to realize and to know that I am smart, pretty, and successful. I will certainly make no claim to being the happiest, but I have moments of happiness. You know when you're a kid and your parents say that all you have to do is be the best [insert your name here] that you can be? I don't even have the expectation that I will be the best at that all the time. Sometimes I'm not the best Rachael I can be. We all make poor decisions, perform at levels that don't meet our own personal expectations, and straight-up just fuck up.

BUT.......the beautiful thing is- and it is definitely something that I am in the process of learning, and that I will likely forget sometimes- I am enough. Period. I am enough. Like I said, I am not the smartest, the prettiest or the most successful, but I am enough. Separate from what I do, what I achieve, what awards I win or don't win, and what grade I got on my torts exam, I am enough.

The thing is, no one out there is telling us that. I don't know if I have ever heard that in general, let alone heard that in direct relation to me. I certainly don't think I've ever felt that before. The media, society, my parents, all let me know on a fairly regular basis that I am in constant need of improvement, that I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, that I need to do something, that action of some sort is required to better myself somehow. No one is telling us that just because we exist, just because we are human, in and of ourselves, we are enough. Without conditions, constant judgment, and intense scrutiny, I merit love and elicit pride just because I'm me. Oprah would call this an ah-ha moment.

me, from a windy victorian night