Merry Christmas my loves.

It's Christmas. The holiday comes with lots of complicated family interactions. They are not entirely pleasant. The goal is in and out in less than 2 hours. Tonight we succeeded. I am not a fan of tradition as we all know, and tonight my brother escaped the traditional family night viewing of Chrismas vacation. He went to visit a couple good friends instead of staring at a tv screen. good call.

In the future, I am going to switch it up. Next Christmas, I will see the people I love on Christmas too, if we're all lucky enough to be in the same city at the same time. Tomorrow sees the return of two of my most favourite people to London, and I cannot wait to see them. They are the people I love and they are who I want to spend my Christmas with. It's one of my favourite holidays, as it is for most people, and I love that some people's homes are places where you are always welcome. I love the warmth that fills those houses and I love to be there.

I am so happy to be back in London, back with my favourite people on earth. My friends are my rocks, my inspirations, and my loves of life. I am glad to be here with you. It feels right. It feels perfect. Merry Christmas my loves. I am so eternally grateful to have each one of you in my life.

Merry Christmas from a chilly London night. Smoking has returned to the basement.

We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?

Part of the reason that I'm so looking forward to going home for Christmas is getting to have a few less responsibilities on a day to day basis for just a little while. I won't have to make sure the door is locked every time I leave the house, or make sure the lights are all out upon leaving a room cuz other people will be in there! I won't even have to make dinner every night...awesomeness.

"Do you remember when you were 8 and all you worried about was whether you were going to get a bike for Christmas, or whether you get to eat cookies for breakfast?" asked Meredith Grey on this episode I'm watching right now...looks like not a good night for sleeping before 1 am... I remember those days when I didn't have to worry about making sure I had food in the house or money for rent. I guess that's what happens when you become an adult...but it does just kind of creep up on you. All of a sudden the milk went sour and you're eating left over pizza for breakfast.

Random thoughts that aren't torts are non-existent with the exception of those. That is all. rach, from a mild, clear lovely victorian night.

Law studies at the local pub.

The Peeny Farthing is the Oak Bay Pub. It is quaint and in the old British style; around this time of year it is festively decorated and the fire is lit so its cozy and warm. Tonight a couple of us went there to study and one or more of us left a little tipsier than when we had arrived. The studying was helpful...kind of. I made notes, underlined, etc. all over a pint of Smithwick's. Delicious. And then Jess had never had champagne, so we had some...we toasted to being one-third done, and to life and all it brings. It was fantastic.

Law school is wonderful sometimes. In the midst of chaos, around others, there's that humanity that I lacked. Ah it was awesome.

I followed up with a brilliantly long conversation with Heather. It was so nice to catch up and discuss life. I am so excited to go home to my friends and family, all in one place again, for Christmas. Hopefully my dad and I can bond over smoking, and that we can drink wine, and catch up. It is going to be lovely. I have never been so excited for something in life. It's awesome. Life is alright.

from a milder night, that i may or may not revisit.

We leave the sound on cuz silence is harder.

We leave the sound on cuz silence is harder, a beautiful songwritter once wrote, and its true a lot of the time. We need to be forever stimulated by something. A walk home would be too far without listening to an ipod. An trip to the grocery store, nearly unbearable. At home I don't eat in silence; the tv or my computer is always distracting me from thought.

But at night, outside, a lot of the time I will spend it just quietly out there; no music, no anything to distract my thoughts. It allows for a lot of reflection time at the end of all my days. Sometimes I don;t have much to think about other than the Mariner case for property law, but usually I can store that somewhere else, and focus on something unrelated to school. Anything else. And the nights lend themsleves beautifully to that. Each one carries with it a different pattern of rustling in the trees, or the clouds passing by or the different constellations in the sky. Sometimes the starts are subtle and sometimes the night is crystal clear. The moon comes in its cycles, and reminds me of certain times aligning with them, because I spend so much time looking at the sky...I am a feind of the night. I am an appreciator of the evening, and the late afternoon, but I have never been a morning lover. I just can't do them. I know they are beautiful of their own accord, they feel so sleepy and like you're the only one up and saying hello to the day. I have remarkable had that experience in many different countries and cities, and watching a city wake up is something new everywhere, and its fascinating and wonderful to watch.

But still, there is something about the night that makes it more inherently appealing. Most people are sleeping, and you are still up. You know others are up too though, other night lovers, and there are so many possibilities of what people are doing up so late. No matter what you are doing, you know you have someone somewhere that is doing the same thing. Someone else is cramming for their property exam. Someone is blazing. Someone is folding their laundry...shite I haven't done that yet. Someone is watching a movie as they fall asleep. Its comforting to know.

Its been quite the rant, hopefully semi-coherent. I make no promises either way, but if you made it this far, great. I have studied a lot of property and am due to get up in 4.5 hours to finish up. Oh god. that is foul. at least im chilling right now....

rach, from a cloudy, starless, chilly, damp, regina spektor filled night

9 kms for Latkas

My expectations of what is too far to walk have drastically changed. I used to drive to my friend's place who lives maybe a 20 minute walk away. When I had a car to go everywhere, my laziness peaked. I'm not saying I won't revert to old habits when I'm home at Christmas, but in Victoria, nothing seems that far. Tonight I walked 9 kms.

I was on my way to a Patoto Pancakes aka latka party at Gord's place to celebrate Hanukkah. I walked to my friend's place in Fernwood, and together we went up to Gord's. Up is the truth. He lives at the top of a street named The Rise. Streets named like that imply steep. And it was. It is one of the highest points in the city, which I naturally took advantage of for a solid spot to blaze after the latka party. It appears as though I am out of shape. This is not a surprise, but becomes apparent when required to climb to the top of a city that is surrounded by places called Mount Tolmie, and Mount Doug and where there are streets called the rise. I definitly am better now than I right after moving, but there's room for improvement.


The Hanukkah party was nice. There were only a few law kids there by the time we arrived, but it was fun. We chatted, I ate some latkas with apple sauce, sour cream, or confectioner's sugar. All were delicious! The night began with 20 lbs of potatoes and when we arrived they had only a bowl left. There was a serious crew of cooks though, and the beautiful house overlooking a stunning city smelled of fried potatoey goodness. We stayed for an hour, and then blazed at the egde of the road, and then started the walk (all downhill!!!!!!!!!!!) back. 9 kms later, I am back where I started after a lovely but freeeezing night out and about. okay it was maybe around zero. there was serious frost on the windows of all the cars...but no minus 20 like people elsewhere and obviously we have no snow.

There has been no instrumental christmas music on the yule log channel the whole time i have been writting. This is getting ridiculous. Where is Joe?, I ask myself at a time like this.

Rach
from a long journey of a night

People! Beer!

Wow. That is what happens when I post having not chilled out about life enough. Sanity entered sometime around when I handed in my LLP exam, that only final that mattered, and went to the pub for a beer and some grub. Returning to the Frase, I attempted to study for Crim, but tiredness and mild intoxication caused me to read 3 pages and call it quits. I decided I would join some fellow law friends in an evening of Noodle Box dinner and a viewing of The Golden Compass. We followed those activities up with a pint of beer at a downtown pub, and had a fantastic day! I needed relief in the stormy period of exams. People, socializing, and only incidentally talking about law. A brilliant evening; an evening that soothed the need for human interaction and real socializing.

from a very cold, very very cold victorian night. rach

On Being Invisible

Especially here, especially now, that is how I feel. Exams are an isolating time. When you don't have any friends in the city who aren't in law school, it is impossible to escape the feeling of isolation that comes with living in the Fraser Building bubble for as many hours a day as you don't, or just about. Everyone is stressed. No one wants to do anything except study, because everyone is a keener; that's how we got here after all. Last night, I thought uttered something along the lines of how I would give anything to just have a McJob right now. It is difficult, if not nearly impossible, to remain grounded in the chaos and remember how fortunate we are that we have access to this level of education.

On top of exams being an isolating time, I don't have a roommate or a housemate or a significant other to come home to. This blog is my nightly debrief. Other means of communication, or lack thereof, further fuel this feeling of loneliness. I received one phone call today, and one yesterday. I got one personal email and a facebook wall post. Being surrounded by people, not one of whom actually loves you, makes it hard to feel anything but like the loneliest person alive. I usually enjoy my alone time, but that is not the same as being lonely. I am genuinely lonely. That is how I am, which I would be my response if asked, but people stopped asking how other people were doing a while ago, because the response usually the same. We are all fine, except no one is fine. Fine means not fine, and everyone knows that.

The first day, the president of the LSS advised us to remain human; that behind all of these cases are human beings who lives were affected by the cases we study. Policy is developed and laws are passed to regulate human actions, and we study them all day, and yet law feels like a dehumanizing process right now. Humans are social creatures, but we forget that and leave it out of the equation when we really need each other most. It has been weeks since I hugged someone, and days since I have physically placed a comforting hand on someone's arm, or received either.

Moving across the country was my decision, I know. And I like it most of the time. But this feeling of loneliness is by far the most invasive negative factor, and I just did not expect it. I know things could be so much worse, but it feels pretty awful as it is. Christmas really cannot come soon enough. I cannot wait to be in the presence of people I love and who love me back.

Rach,
the first non-mj induced blog post...clearly an indication that I should maybe go remedy my foul emotional state with my fav green herb

15 days of hell; not the 12 days of Christmas

Law school exams are awful. They are fucking rough, there is just no sugar coating them. This is what all my law school friends told me about hating law school and questioning why they went and advising me very explicitly against coming. They are why I have had random moments of tears for the past two days. They are why I questioned, and then worked through, why I came to law school, and whether I should consider cutting my losses, and avoiding the next 2.5 years of hell.

And yet, inexplicably, I am still here. studying for 6-7 hours a day in the library or at home for the past week. Rising to the challenge? Refusing to be defeated? even though I do at moments, feel that way...a lot of moments equalling a lot of the time. Or maybe the knowledge that this is do-able, and that if there is any one who can make that happen that is me. This is the sort of thing that I can do. It will be fine. Because it was to be fine. (Help not hurt. Help not hurt.) Thanks UVic law for bringing in the smallest amount of hope into a dark place.

an exhausted, despite the 11 hours of sleep, me. i did spend a short amount of time with the night, though compared to last night it seems very lacking.

The Most Perfect Victorian Night

Had I written this blog two hours earlier, it would have told a completely different tale. Instead of a story about how I layed on the beach looking at the stars, you would have heard a cathartic story of how the stress of exams and me missing people and feeling lonely now that its around Christmas led to a notorious floor session. Because as we all know, when you're on the floor you can't get any lower; you can only go up from there.

So, I picked myself up off the floor, rolled a joint, and headed down to the beach. The tide was out and the beach was clear. The sand was smooth, since it was likely all under water earlier today. There was hardly any lumber and there was no kelp. The lights of Port Angeles were there in the distance, not too bright or invasive, just noticeable. The sky was cloudy in patches that looking stunning by the lights of the city and whispy against the bright, clear dark black night. The starts actually twinkled. It may have been the fact that I had been crying earlier, or that I was blazed, but they twinkled, especially against the reflective sky.

The waves were rippling on the east side of the horshoe like bay, and the waters on the west side were calm. It was late enough that no one was down there, and its Oak Bay, so the odds of people being sketchy are low. After some quality time spent sitting on a lonely log, stareing up at the sky, and listening to the waves, I moved to the sand. It was cool and wet, but it was just fine. Again, on the ground there is no where lower to go. It was so, quite literally, grounding. The way you can relax and just completely lend yourself to the countours of the beach. There were no distractions. Just me and the sky, the stars, the sand beneath me, the sounds of the ocean, and the wind against by face. It was mild, but the wind let its presence be know.

It was serene. The tranquility of the night made the world make a little bit of sense again. Beyond me, there is a whole world. No matter what I do or don't do, tomorrow the moon will rise and the stars will sparkle against a night sky somewhere. The beach always makes me make a little sense of the relativity of my life, our lives. Most of the time, this grounds me; some of the time it makes me feel powerless; some of the time it makes me feel motivated and empowered to make a footprint, to do something that matters. And preferably something that matters to me and a lot of other people.

I felt exausted after I got up off the floor. I considered just a walk around the block to return and go to bed. But once I got outside and looked up at the stunning night sky, my feet took me in the right direction. Thank goodness. I have this perfect night of serenity to ground me as I head into the chaos of exams. No matter how stormy the waters become, the calm will arrive eventually. The end is approaching. I may need another one before exams are through.

Rach,
after the most perfect Victorian night.

Heck yes Men With Brooms

Its true. I am watching Men With Brooms. I have a secret...I love Canadiana, especially when it involves things like curling, beavers, and Sarah Harmer songs. And other notoriously Canadian things like Leslie Neilson and the occasional joint appear from time to time. Brilliant!

Seriously, this movie is fantastic to watch after a serious day of studying and a nighttime moment. I had other things typed about my general enjoyment of this movie and all things Canadiana, but I deleted them for the purposes of not sounding like an idiot tomorrow.

Its not a Christmas movie, but it has to do because I am out of Christmas movies. I will have to rely on the ones on tv and find out when they are and watch them.

This blog entry has gone downhill. Bagpipes- yes! Good night. Today I studied for 6 hours...my brain is spent. Not as spent as Chloe's, but still spent for this evening.

My love to all, cuz I feel like people are really stressed out there. Maybe its just law school, but I know others are too.

Rach
from another really rainy mild night, which is better than the snow that the northern part of the island had.

To Joe, the tender of fire

New Post. I always wonder what will become of the post as I write. But then I wonder if people think I'm on a non-discript rant for half my blog. I dont intend there to be structure and flow. Sometimes a thought will lead me down a tangent. I thank you for reading anyways.

Tonight my thought is about Joe. "Who is Joe?" one might ponder. Any Victorian would point you to channel 51 starting about this time every year (I don't exactly know when it begins, but it was on for some of November too). Joe, my friends, is the man wearing the blue flannel shirt who pokes the firelog that is burning bright on channel 51. I want to turn it on right now. In fact I will.

I did. There is music playing this time. Sometimes they let the log burn bright just on its own and you get to listen to the crackling. Other times there is instrumental versions (and only instrumental versions) of Christmas songs. It's just lovely. I love it. And my Christmas garland is hung behind my TV and it just all is so festive and wonderful.

I recently confessed my love for Joe on our facebook group wall, to a response of, "Wow, you converted for Joe? He must be one awesome man!". Truth is, I heart Joe. Convert-worthy, I'm not sure its likely. But Joe is a great guy. That fire would go out if you weren't tending to it, and who would bring a glimmer of hope via blue flannel to our hearts? Sometimes he even adds logs and gives the fire a good shake. Even if his songs duties slack a bit, Joe is good people. I'm looking foreward to having him around for the holidays, and to get me through exams.

Rach, who is here and alive after a really interesting (aka intoxicated) Saturday night, but who spent the day recovering and hydrating, and is feeling alright. Only confusing incidents involving a(ITS JOE!! HE"S ON THE SCREEN!) kiss with a boy after a failed euchre game. Not involving consequences of said euchre game, but on his own accord, professing his general enjoyment of me, and me of him (this feeling of hearting each other in a mutual way). Those are all the details you get. And who did manage to squeeze in a Victorian night session this evening. It was pissing rain all day, and still was tonight. Foul.

Red Red Wine and other goodness

...have rendered me exhausted and burnt out. But I had a beautiful walk home from Fernwood (where I consumed said aforementioned goods), where there are soooo many beautiful places to explore to blaze in. It was a peaceful and beautiful stroll through beautiful Victorian neighbourhoods.

Also, I enjoyed some summer nostalgia tunes. It was intense. Oh Serena Ryder....oh how music inevitably becomes the evolving soundtrack of our lives.

I am breaking the no L-Word before bed rule. I'm watching my favourite episode. Season 1 episode 9. Check it out.

rach, from what was a cool, beautiful Victoria night