On Being Invisible

Especially here, especially now, that is how I feel. Exams are an isolating time. When you don't have any friends in the city who aren't in law school, it is impossible to escape the feeling of isolation that comes with living in the Fraser Building bubble for as many hours a day as you don't, or just about. Everyone is stressed. No one wants to do anything except study, because everyone is a keener; that's how we got here after all. Last night, I thought uttered something along the lines of how I would give anything to just have a McJob right now. It is difficult, if not nearly impossible, to remain grounded in the chaos and remember how fortunate we are that we have access to this level of education.

On top of exams being an isolating time, I don't have a roommate or a housemate or a significant other to come home to. This blog is my nightly debrief. Other means of communication, or lack thereof, further fuel this feeling of loneliness. I received one phone call today, and one yesterday. I got one personal email and a facebook wall post. Being surrounded by people, not one of whom actually loves you, makes it hard to feel anything but like the loneliest person alive. I usually enjoy my alone time, but that is not the same as being lonely. I am genuinely lonely. That is how I am, which I would be my response if asked, but people stopped asking how other people were doing a while ago, because the response usually the same. We are all fine, except no one is fine. Fine means not fine, and everyone knows that.

The first day, the president of the LSS advised us to remain human; that behind all of these cases are human beings who lives were affected by the cases we study. Policy is developed and laws are passed to regulate human actions, and we study them all day, and yet law feels like a dehumanizing process right now. Humans are social creatures, but we forget that and leave it out of the equation when we really need each other most. It has been weeks since I hugged someone, and days since I have physically placed a comforting hand on someone's arm, or received either.

Moving across the country was my decision, I know. And I like it most of the time. But this feeling of loneliness is by far the most invasive negative factor, and I just did not expect it. I know things could be so much worse, but it feels pretty awful as it is. Christmas really cannot come soon enough. I cannot wait to be in the presence of people I love and who love me back.

Rach,
the first non-mj induced blog post...clearly an indication that I should maybe go remedy my foul emotional state with my fav green herb